I feel like I've gotten lost on my journey to motherhood, and I'm trying desperately to figure things out right now. Let me back up a little.
Even though I did all the right things to finish my PhD 2-3 weeks before this baby's due date, circumstances outside of my control (graduate studies and uncooperative committee members, I'm looking at you!) led to a lot of stress and a defense date of October 5th. That's about a week before my due date, and well into the danger zone as far as there being a decent chance I will go into labor before the defense. Even though this obviously isn't an optimal situation, I wasn't honestly too worried about going into labor before 39 weeks because neither my mom nor my sister went early with their first baby (in fact, my sister just went 40+1 with her second, but more on that later). In fact, the average first baby is 8 days overdue. The odds were on my side. Until Friday.
Let me preface this by saying that only two of my close family members that have given birth in past 25 years have had anything other than normal vaginal deliveries. One was a very serious medical situation that had nothing to do with the baby, the other was an emergency c-section for fetal distress during established labor that was related to issues with the cord. I thought that, for once, genetics were on my side. Overall, we are good birthers and breastfeeders. So, I've been planning a natural vaginal childbirth with a midwife for my whole pregnancy, and I had recently made the final decision to try a homebirth since my pregnancy had been so normal. I hired a doula for support. I read all the natural childbirth books. I should have known the other shoe was about to drop.
My general practitioner sent me for a ultrasound last week 'just to make sure' that the baby was in a vertex position. My midwife would not have sent me because she was confident the baby was vertex. Unfortunately, the ultrasound revealed a baby in the frank breech presentation. Less than 4% of babies are breech at 36 weeks of gestation, and very few of these (less than 10%) will turn head down on their own. I am definitely on the wrong side of the statistical equation for my natural, vaginal childbirth at this point.
I won't get into all the techniques I have been subjecting myself to since finding out the baby was breech on Friday. I will say that none of them has moved the baby even one inch from what I can tell. I haven't seen the doctor or midwife yet, so I don't even know what their recommendations are going to be. I have done a ton of internet research (I know, I know. Bad idea.) that seems to point towards OBs liking to schedule elective c-sections for breech babies right around 39 weeks. So, in addition to my dreams of a natural childbirth going up in smoke, I would be having an unwanted surgery while I am supposed to be defending my PhD.
I am just so disappointed and angry. Frankly, it pisses me off that no one except my midwife and doula seem to understand why I am upset. Sure, I realize that 30% of women end up with a c-section for whatever reason, but that doesn't make it suck any less when you are almost 4 weeks from your due date and already looking at having no option other than surgery to deliver your baby. Having a c-section also obviously affects future births too - not all OBs are supportive of VBACs. I feel so powerless (and also selfish since everyone just keeps saying how a healthy baby is the most important thing which makes me feel like crap for even worrying about wanting to avoid the c-section at all costs).
In the midst of my downward spiral into breech depression, I got the call last night that I am an auntie for the second time to a brand new niece. I am, of course, beyond happy for my sister and her fiance...but there is a little part of me that is jealous that she got to have a second childbirth that was the birth of her choice. I wish we could all have that, no matter what choices we may make.
